Hello Friends & Folk ~
...and a happy Wednesday to us all...
so, the title of this post is 'where am I?'
and truthfully ~ I'm not sure.
I'm here, but not really.
I am in-between this and that it seems...
the 'this' is,
my mom has come to the final stage of her life.
Hospice has informed us that she does not have many more days left ~
I went up to CT see her last month, and she hardly recognized me, or spoke to me.
...'that' completely broke my heart, and has left me empty with questions
about living, dying and the 'in-between'.
While I was there with her, I told her repeatedly how much I love her,
held her tiny hand and cried softly at her side...
I don't know how much she heard or understood, but I feel as though even with dementia,
our hearts recognize each other and will for eternity.
I want to be at her bedside, but I am having a very hard time with seeing her like she is in her condition.
I am in a strange limbo of prayers, memories and requests of a quick and peaceful passing,
and I feel bad for even thinking like that.
I'm torn between getting in the car this very minute and driving 8 hrs without a stop to see her one more time, but I am also having to live my life and be where I am needed here at home.
she cannot answer her phone any longer,
nor can she hear us if someone holds the phone for her so there is literally no communication there.
I literally jump every time the phone rings, hoping it is, and that it is not... 'The call".
I literally jump every time the phone rings, hoping it is, and that it is not... 'The call".
I feel like a terrible person for hoping that mom's transition comes quickly for her,
but then I think that all of her pain will end...
...that she will be with her family that passed on before her.
that she will be at peace.
I'm hoping that my readers will not think of me as a terrible human for the feelings I have.
I am already mourning the loss of her, and I'm sure that many of you who have lost their mothers
felt the same way.
I'm doing my best to keep my hands and mind busy,
but my heart is just not into doing much of anything at this time.
I am forever grateful to my Friends who understand this time in my life...
but then I think that all of her pain will end...
...that she will be with her family that passed on before her.
that she will be at peace.
I'm hoping that my readers will not think of me as a terrible human for the feelings I have.
I am already mourning the loss of her, and I'm sure that many of you who have lost their mothers
felt the same way.
I'm doing my best to keep my hands and mind busy,
but my heart is just not into doing much of anything at this time.
I am forever grateful to my Friends who understand this time in my life...
I feel like an unfinished work,
with loose ends and new starts but not-quite ready to be worked more upon.
with loose ends and new starts but not-quite ready to be worked more upon.
thank you for listening....
~ Lori
24 comments:
Oh Lori -- I'm so very sorry you're going thru this. I don't know how you feel because each of us is different, but I certainly can empathize. My mama was in hospice at home (my sister's) for a little over 3 months & I remember crying uncontrollably a couple of days before she passed asking God to stop all this & take her home. He finally did a couple of days later. I knew everything was in His hands; I just couldn't stand it anymore. For a time I felt terrible for feeling that way, but I realize now, I just didn't want her to suffer anymore. Thing was, she wasn't, she was at peace, all of us left behind were the ones suffering & I just wanted it to stop!! Please know you & your family are in my prayers; hope that helps a little. God bless you & keep you at this trying time.
Denyse L.
Thank you so much for your comment & words ♥️
Sweet Lori... My heart breaks for you as I know your pain too well. Like Denyse said, each of us is different...and each deals with pain, loss, and grief differently, but there are shared hurts. First and foremost, you are NOT a horrible person for feeling as you do. I believe what you are feeling is felt by everyone who has lost someone they love dearly and is "in-between." I would wager that if they don't, they are not being honest with themselves. It will be 1 year tomorrow that my husband passed. And it will be 2 years in December that my mother passed...under somewhat similar circumstances (she, too, had dementia and was in care). I, too, prayed for a quick and painless passing. Guilt, however, was a fleeting thought as she was suffering and had wanted to "go home" for many years. The guilt came later as I was not with her...and she was NOT 8 hours away. But that is another story. I am certain, as you say, your hearts know each other no matter what...it's that maternal bond...and she would not only not want you to stop your life at this time, nor would she want you to suffer the pain of seeing her as she is. I don't know if any of what I am saying is being expressed clearly, but I trust you understand the underlying message. Sending up prayers for comfort and peace...and healing for your heart. ~Robin~
Dear Robin ~ thank you for your comment…and for understanding ❤️🩹
Your feelings are real and normal ....it is so difficult to see a loved one suffer ....my mother was in hospice for just a few days , she was lucky not to linger and suffer for long . My sister in law has worked with the elderly in all stages of the end of their lives . When my family was by my mother's side the day before she passed . She said the last thing to go is their hearing . She told us to say our good byes in case she left while we were gone . She said she could hear us .....when my daughter said her good byes, my mother lifted her shoulder ....we were all amazed . My mother passed early the next morning and something woke me up before we got the phone call , I sat right up in bed. My brother opened the bedroom door and I already knew she was gone . You don't have to be by your mother's side .....she heard everything you said and Loves you too and always will.
Lori,my heart goes out to you it is never easy losing your Mother. 🙏❤️
Oh, deare Lori...💚
I have been there too, with my first husband when I was 39 and with both of my parent. Although you probably do, you should not feel guilty. She is comfortable in the hands of hospice and making a slow passing without pain. I only ask you keep you mind focused on vehicles travelling and to not put yourself at risk. God Bless. Saundra
It is just so hard.
Sending hugs.
We are all different, but I've often said I would walk across country to see my mother one more time. I was 16. Any effort you can make will surely benefit you. My Dr. has a pillow that says, in part, Be Brave When You are Afraid, Be Strong when you are Weak.
I have been there, Lori. My parents, married 67 years, passed 4 months apart. Both had dementia. Death was life's final gift. It was a release from this life that they could no longer sustain. My father had Lewey Body dementia brought on by exposure to Agent Orange in Viet Nam. He fought it for 30 years. I was relieved when they passed. They were 1200 miles away from me and I couldn't be there. But I told them every time I talked to them how much I loved them. My father at the end was confused by this because he didn't know who I was but I knew and that was enough. Your mom knows too. Hugs.
You are NOT a terrible human being for feeling what you are feeling right now! Your feelings and thoughts are an all part of a natural grieving process. It’s a little bit different but yet a bit the same for everyone. Hang in there!
Oh dear Lori, death & grief is part of our earthly life that we all walk through and each deals with it in our own way. I pray for peace for you as you navigate through this with your precious Mother & for a peaceful transition for her. Sending my love & hugs!
Praying
Dear Lori, you have been on my mind and in my prayers. You are not a horrible person for expressing your feelings. You expressed yourself rather eloquently and put into words what many of us have felt regarding the time before a loved one passes. Continued thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
NO you are not a terrible human. You have expressed yourself beautifully and I hope that has helped.
I understand. I chose not to go.
I will tell you honestly - I only felt and sometimes feel (these many years later) remorse or guilt for those who were there...could I have taken some of their weight. It's not an easy decision and as others have said in this and in all things, we are different. Hugs
I am so sorry you are going through this. My mom passed a couple of years ago and I went through the same thing. I don’t know if she knew who I was or what was going on but I did hope for her passing to be quick because she was so miserable. You are not a bad person for wanting your mom to be at peace.
You are not a horrible person. Each of us has to deal with the impending loss at some point of someone special in our own family.. Very sorry you are having to deal with this especially since you live so far away. Will keep you in my prayers. Janice
Each person has their own way of dealing with loss (on many levels)... do not question how or why you feel... just feel.
Hugs
As a retired nurse, over the years I've had to explain, guide, and help families with end of life decisions. I've also had many of my own family members pass. It is exhausting, sad, and difficult. But what I have learned is you do what you can, you give what you can, you take care of yourself and your own family. You can not rush death, it will happen when it is supposed to. And if you are not there, that is the way it is supposed to be. My brother, in his last hours, in his mumbles, called out to our dead sister, Mary. As if he saw her. I took great comfort in that. Your mother has always known you love her. As you hook a project, think of her, remember her and you will be closer to her than you think. Helen from Buckingham Co., VA
You told your dear mother what you needed to on your last visit. Wanting them to be free of anguish is selfless love, for we will suffer the loss as they find peace.
Hugs and prayers..your heart is telling you what you should do. Take peace in that. And soon your mom will be home and free..
I'm so very sorry Lori. I'm wishing you peace. You are where you need to be. Sending you lots of love.
I joined this awful club (which no one anywhere ever wants to join) and went through this same anguish with my precious mom in 2021, a year after she had a debilitating stroke. I'm going through it again now, with my beloved dad who has Alzheimer's. You have every ounce of my empathy, Lori; I understand via brutal experience the complexity and heartache of what you're going through. Hugs to you.
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