Hello Friends & Folk ~
...and a happy Wednesday to us all...
so, the title of this post is 'where am I?'
and truthfully ~ I'm not sure.
I'm here, but not really.
I am in-between this and that it seems...
the 'this' is,
my mom has come to the final stage of her life.
Hospice has informed us that she does not have many more days left ~
I went up to CT see her last month, and she hardly recognized me, or spoke to me.
...'that' completely broke my heart, and has left me empty with questions
about living, dying and the 'in-between'.
While I was there with her, I told her repeatedly how much I love her,
held her tiny hand and cried softly at her side...
I don't know how much she heard or understood, but I feel as though even with dementia,
our hearts recognize each other and will for eternity.
I want to be at her bedside, but I am having a very hard time with seeing her like she is in her condition.
I am in a strange limbo of prayers, memories and requests of a quick and peaceful passing,
and I feel bad for even thinking like that.
I'm torn between getting in the car this very minute and driving 8 hrs without a stop to see her one more time, but I am also having to live my life and be where I am needed here at home.
she cannot answer her phone any longer,
nor can she hear us if someone holds the phone for her so there is literally no communication there.
I literally jump every time the phone rings, hoping it is, and that it is not... 'The call".
I literally jump every time the phone rings, hoping it is, and that it is not... 'The call".
I feel like a terrible person for hoping that mom's transition comes quickly for her,
but then I think that all of her pain will end...
...that she will be with her family that passed on before her.
that she will be at peace.
I'm hoping that my readers will not think of me as a terrible human for the feelings I have.
I am already mourning the loss of her, and I'm sure that many of you who have lost their mothers
felt the same way.
I'm doing my best to keep my hands and mind busy,
but my heart is just not into doing much of anything at this time.
I am forever grateful to my Friends who understand this time in my life...
but then I think that all of her pain will end...
...that she will be with her family that passed on before her.
that she will be at peace.
I'm hoping that my readers will not think of me as a terrible human for the feelings I have.
I am already mourning the loss of her, and I'm sure that many of you who have lost their mothers
felt the same way.
I'm doing my best to keep my hands and mind busy,
but my heart is just not into doing much of anything at this time.
I am forever grateful to my Friends who understand this time in my life...
I feel like an unfinished work,
with loose ends and new starts but not-quite ready to be worked more upon.
with loose ends and new starts but not-quite ready to be worked more upon.
thank you for listening....
~ Lori
4 comments:
Oh Lori -- I'm so very sorry you're going thru this. I don't know how you feel because each of us is different, but I certainly can empathize. My mama was in hospice at home (my sister's) for a little over 3 months & I remember crying uncontrollably a couple of days before she passed asking God to stop all this & take her home. He finally did a couple of days later. I knew everything was in His hands; I just couldn't stand it anymore. For a time I felt terrible for feeling that way, but I realize now, I just didn't want her to suffer anymore. Thing was, she wasn't, she was at peace, all of us left behind were the ones suffering & I just wanted it to stop!! Please know you & your family are in my prayers; hope that helps a little. God bless you & keep you at this trying time.
Denyse L.
Thank you so much for your comment & words ♥️
Sweet Lori... My heart breaks for you as I know your pain too well. Like Denyse said, each of us is different...and each deals with pain, loss, and grief differently, but there are shared hurts. First and foremost, you are NOT a horrible person for feeling as you do. I believe what you are feeling is felt by everyone who has lost someone they love dearly and is "in-between." I would wager that if they don't, they are not being honest with themselves. It will be 1 year tomorrow that my husband passed. And it will be 2 years in December that my mother passed...under somewhat similar circumstances (she, too, had dementia and was in care). I, too, prayed for a quick and painless passing. Guilt, however, was a fleeting thought as she was suffering and had wanted to "go home" for many years. The guilt came later as I was not with her...and she was NOT 8 hours away. But that is another story. I am certain, as you say, your hearts know each other no matter what...it's that maternal bond...and she would not only not want you to stop your life at this time, nor would she want you to suffer the pain of seeing her as she is. I don't know if any of what I am saying is being expressed clearly, but I trust you understand the underlying message. Sending up prayers for comfort and peace...and healing for your heart. ~Robin~
Dear Robin ~ thank you for your comment…and for understanding ❤️š©¹
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