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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I survived.

the trip to the Eye Doctor yesterday was an experience to say the least.
here's how it went:
I arrive at the office to be greeted by a receptionist
wearing the most hideous, coke-bottle thick glasses I have ever seen.
(hmm...bad sign, ya think?)

I am asked to fill out a form, being a new patient.
So, I reach into my bag-of-tricks to pull out a pair of my little cheaters...
"Oh No!" the receptionist says,
"don't wear them, the Dr. wants your eyes to be adjusted"
"but..." I say,
I need them to fill out this form".

"Oh, can you please try to fill it out without wearing them?
...we don't want any strain on your eyes for the exam"...
on my...EYES?
(is my hearing going too?)
So I slide my glasses back into my purse, and am fumbling through
the 2o-page form to see if I can see ANY print clearly...
ah! there's some...what does it say? sign here...
what am I signing?
Nope. next page.

Name: (illegible scribble)
Address: (chicken scratch)
Reason for Visit: (are ya kiddin' me?)
I do the best I can, hand the papers back to the girl,
(who is sitting about three inches away from her computer screen, btw...)
and another girl comes in to bring me to the exam room and to introduce me to the DR.

I'm sitting in some sort of chair now,
that looks like something out of a "SAW" horror movie...
(you know the ones)
The room is dark, and of course, freezing cold.
I'm trying to read the DR.'s credentials and plaques on the walls, but of course,
I can't because now I'm scared to put on my glasses...
I do notice, upon walking over to the wall of awards,
that the Good Doctor was a LT. COLONEL in the US Air Force
and has many medals...
aside many from mobiles of airplanes hanging from the ceiling,
(which to me look like bizzarre spiders hovering over my head!...
just a leeetle distracting!!)
In bounds the Dr...
"How do you do...I'm Dr. Razzemfrazzem...you must be Mrs. Brechlin"
"the same" I relied,
"I hear you're having trouble with your eyes" says the wise man...
"yep" I say, "can you turn the lights up a bit so I can see you?"
"afraid not" he says, "need to keep you from straining your eyes".
...so that's how you do it...I think to myself...
how stupid I've been...all I need to do to see better is to turn off the lights
and not wear my glasses.
On with the exam.

I'm in the torture chair again, and the face-plate of the machine is smacked up against my face, my chin resting on something (can't see it)
and I'm now supposed to keep my eyes open
while the DOCTOR COLONEL snaps shut the little peep holes that I'm trying to look through...
All the while, I'm thinking something is going to come poking my eyes out, or cut off my eyelids.
(yep...waaaaay too many horror movies under my belt!!)
So on the wall in front of me appears a fuzzy, lighted block with what-are-supposed-to-be letters (or numbers? who knows?) that I'm supposed to identify.

"Can you tell me what you see?" he says to me.
"a wall" I say
"anything else" he says.
"um...If you stop clicking the machine and making me blink,
I might be able to fudge something"

He didn't like that & snapped into COLONEL mode.
"Sit up straight! Keep your eyes open! what do you see!" he snaps.
"The door" I say...to myself!!! LOL
OK...so I get serious...nothing is going to stab me in the eye, I have to do this test.
so I did.
and failed.
I am 20/30 in my right eye, and 20/80 in my left. ugh. great.
need glasses? definately.
progressive bi-focals. how lovely.
So then he comes at me with the DROPS.
oh, I do NOT want them.
and now he's standing over me, with me turning my head from left to right,
like a child who is being force-fed creamed spinach....
except it was my eyes clenched shut, not my mouth.
"Mrs. Brechlin!" he yells.
"oh...sorry" I meakly say and force myself to keep still.
In go the dreaded drops...
Immediately, I feel a burning, but am quickly told that will go away in a minute or two,
and is completely normal...
("normal? dropping acid in my eyes is NORMAL? "
my warped horror-movie mind is shrieking inside my brain!!!)
ok. now everything has a purple aura and looks 'sparkly'.
"oh how pretty" I say aloud, thinking DR MADMAN had left the dark room...
"What do you see?" I hear from behind me..
startled, I reply, "oh...just ...um colors, and a little bit of haze"
"Good" he says, "now let's give those drops about 15 minutes to work
(WORK????) ...while you pick out your new frames"...
I can't see at this point.
how am I supposed to see to pick out new frames?
so, of course I reach for my cheaters again...
"Nope" says Dr. Dread...
So I'm grasping at the multitude of glasses frames in front of me...
knocked two pair off the display, and finally found a pair...and put them on...
"Those are Men's glasses" the bastard says.
(so why put a blind woman in front of the Men's display?)
now I want to kick him.
Finally, I pick out a pair that I think looks good on me...if that is, in fact, me in the mirror.
what I see staring back at me is a cross between a rabid Raccoon
(no one told me not to wear mascara, thankyouverymuch.)
and a maniacal Owl wearing
dark (can't tell the actual color), plastic glasses.

"Who's that, Clark Kent?" i say, jokingly...
"Anyone there" I say again
*sounds of scuffling and muffled laughter*

I'm convinced that I have now been taped throughout my complete and embarrasing exam...from start to finish...for the shear amusement of Dr. Demento
and his Zombie, Coke-Glass Bottle wearing entourage.
"Oh they look fantastic" says the Blind Receptionist.
"great'...I mustered.

all set. all done. finished.

$337.50 later,
I now have to drive home...
wondering just what kind of glasses I will be picking up in a week's time,
trying to keep my car on the road,
and feeling like a vampire because of the sensitivity to light...
oh, I did get a free gift.
a spiffy pair of cellophane sunglasses that I was supposed to slip
between my cheater glasses and my eyes....
how attractive.
they didn't work for spit.
when I finally got back home, my daughter thought I was on some kind of drug,
and my husband was leading me around the house....
making sure I could navigate around the kitchen to make him supper.
what a saint he is.
by 9:00 pm, my eyes finally were back to normal.
I dropped into bed at 10:00,
and dreamed of horror films all night long....
p.s. the names above have been changed to protect
the high credentials of the medical proffession.

Blessed be, my friends


Lana of Honeysuckle Lane said...

"a wall".... LOL!!! Oh Lori, I lost it at that point. Thank goodness I wasn't sipping on something or I would have spewed it all over my computer screen!
I know what you're going though and had to remind myself that we don't livce in the same state or I would have thought we'd been to the same doctor. Hope you're having a better day today!

Lana of Honeysuckle Lane said...

gee, either I can't spell, type, or I can't SEE to type.

livce should be LIVE

sorry, lol!

~Judy~ said...

This story had me laughing out loud! Too funny! [sorry] Now I'm AFRAID to make my appointment.


taylors*farmhouse*attic said...

ha!ha!...how funny!!...I went through the same thing back in June...I only have to have reading glasses for now, but the whole dilating the eyes was an "experience" to say the least...But now I can actually see the linen to x-stitch on...I didn't realize how bad they had gotten!!

UPON A HILL said...

Sorry that you had to go through all that horror; but I enjoyed your story!

Barbi said...

Oh my gosh!!! That's so funny! I have to go for my check up in a month or two. EEK!! I'm going to remember the "wall"

farmgirl beth said...

20/30 and 20/80 and you've been using CHEATER glasses??? And still coming up with beautiful creations? Can't wait to see what you can do with your new Clark Kent frames. :)

If you lived in Oregon, I'd send you to my eye Doctor- he thinks he is a stand up comedian. Laughing the whole way through the exam doesn't exactly help me focus on what exactly it is that I am supposed to be seeing on that wall!

Marjorie said...

Yep, sounds like a typical eye exam. And thanks for sharing your paranoia, I'll be thinking about sharp things coming at me from all angles the next time I'm in the torture chair.

Margaret said...

Lurker here. You sound like a first timer. I've been going through such eye exams since the beginning of time. lol! And also the not knowing what the glasses will look like when I get them. Of course they always look different than I thought they would -- especially with the coke bottle lenses in place. :D

Tammy said...

Hey there!

I found your blog this morning and am just now getting back to read about your adventure...I too was told to pick a pair of frames after eye-drops...I think they just don't want you to see the price stickers...LOL!

Best and funniest post I've read all day!

Kathy (woolfind) said...

Oh how hysterical! You need to write a novel. NOT a horror one though lol. You definitely need to stay away from those for a while...
Hope you are pleased with what you (they) picked out for you. HOpe you share them next week when you pick them up! Thanks for the giggles...

Rugs and Pugs said...

Lori ~ You are too funny! Thanks for the laugh.
Pug hugs :)
P.S. Been there ~ done that ~ and it's no fun.

Sandi said...

i know just how you feel!
Got progessive glasses a few years ago, spent like 400.00 on them and now they're useless to me, so i wear the *cheater* glasses for reading and close up and they work fine.


Orange Sink said...

Oh Lori ,what a great post! I hope you show us the frames you picked out! Sticker shock sets in each time I try to find frames.....I wear an old vintage pair I picked up in an auction box years ago. Cost $200.00 to have the lenses put in! One more wierd observation of mine......I think my eye Dr. smokes dope before he examines my eyes....just my observation! cathy

Cari said...

Way too funny!! Thanks for sharing the trip!!

Barbara said...

OMG Lori...thought I'd wet my pants..too funny and too true! Can't wait to see what your glasses look like when we see you in September...maybe you should add 'writing' to your many talents...Blessings Barbara @ Cabin In The Woods

Nancy said...

It sounds like a horrible experience, but it sure made for a great story! You captured my attention to the end! Hope you like your glasses when you get them.

Lori said...

I agree with Kathy, you should write a novel! I'm going to my eye doctor the end of the month and now I'll be chuckling the whole time remembering your story!! LOL

Lori R

Anonymous said...

You are too funny and you know what else you are too cute in those cheater glasses too. I bet you look like a million bucks with your new ones. I have been wearing glasses since I was a teenager and the price of them always makes me sick by the time you are done thinning the glasses picking chic frames out!!
Miss u

Jennifer said...

Your description of your visit sounded like mine last year with the exception that my eyes kept swelling after they put in this yellow dye and swelling and swelling shut until I had to call in for work the next day becuase I had to take Benadryl every 2hours. Never again will I get the yellow drops.

janeu729 said...

Oh, Lori! Where in heck did you go? We love the little place right here in town. No scary doctors or receptionists. Let me know if you want more info.

ctlogcabin said...

LOLOLOLOL Lori ~~ Thanks this is just what I need this morning a good laugh...Thank you for sharing your story.
Love your writing style & your humor !!
Hugs ~~ Connie xox

Alice ~ Folk Art Primitives said...

HYSTERICAL!!! and soooo true!! Can't believe they didn't suggest you bring a driver for the ride home!! Holy crow!! Can't wait to see your new specs!!

Sandy said...

Lori..I have never laughed so hard in all my life! after just having my eye app as well I can completely relate!!! Thanks for a roll on the floor W y P LAUGH!!!!!!!!

whimseycreations said...

Lori, I'm falling off my chair here laughing...you certainly have a way with words. Been there, done that, but not nearly as descriptively as you have! LOLOLOL Thanks for the entertainment.

whimseycreations said...

PS Just be glad their only bifocals and not trifocals. With trifocals when you try to read something on a low shelf you have to stand on your head AND read upside down!

ohiofarmgirl said...

The last exam that started like that..well lets just say that I walked out and took my records with me...he wasnt too happy and neither was I.
I love my eye doctor now...but it is hard to pick out glasses. Dianntha

Anonymous said...

Lori, This post was too, too funny!! Who knew that not wearing eyeglasses and sitting in dark rooms would improve one's eyes? Thanks for the laugh!

Saundra said...

OMG, Lori that was a funny story and could relate to it as well. Can't wait to find out if you like the glasses you chose.


Maria said...

Your eye doctor must be related to my dentist! Similarly horrid experiences with THAT guy. = )

Lori Ann Corelis said...

and sadly . . . like every experience I have at the eye doctor! ;-)

Betcha look cute in those new glasses!

Sharon said...

I did laugh out loud...loud enough to startle the cat....
I have to do the same thing, due to the fact that I cant see anthing anymore...but I've been putting it off until there is someone available to go with me to help me choose my new glasses and make it home without crashing into a ditch.
After reading this I might just wait a little longer.

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