I survived.

Barely...

the trip to the Eye Doctor yesterday was an experience to say the least.
here's how it went:

I arrive at the office to be greeted by a receptionist
wearing the most hideous, coke-bottle thick glasses I have ever seen.
(hmm...bad sign, ya think?)

I am asked to fill out a form, being a new patient.
So, I reach into my bag-of-tricks to pull out a pair of my little cheaters...
"Oh No!" the receptionist says,
"don't wear them, the Dr. wants your eyes to be adjusted"

"but..." I say,
I need them to fill out this form".

"Oh, can you please try to fill it out without wearing them?
...we don't want any strain on your eyes for the exam"...

STRAIN?

on my...EYES?

from...WEARING GLASSES?

WHAT?

(is my hearing going too?)

So I slide my glasses back into my purse, and am fumbling through
the 2o-page form to see if I can see ANY print clearly...

ah! there's some...what does it say? sign here...
Hmmm....
what am I signing?

Nope. next page.

Name: (illegible scribble)
Address: (chicken scratch)
Reason for Visit: (are ya kiddin' me?)

I do the best I can, hand the papers back to the girl,
(who is sitting about three inches away from her computer screen, btw...)
and another girl comes in to bring me to the exam room and to introduce me to the DR.

I'm sitting in some sort of chair now,
that looks like something out of a "SAW" horror movie...
(you know the ones)

The room is dark, and of course, freezing cold.

I'm trying to read the DR.'s credentials and plaques on the walls, but of course,
I can't because now I'm scared to put on my glasses...
I do notice, upon walking over to the wall of awards,
that the Good Doctor was a LT. COLONEL in the US Air Force
and has many medals...
aside many from mobiles of airplanes hanging from the ceiling,
(which to me look like bizzarre spiders hovering over my head!...
just a leeetle distracting!!)

In bounds the Dr...
"How do you do...I'm Dr. Razzemfrazzem...you must be Mrs. Brechlin"
"the same" I relied,
"I hear you're having trouble with your eyes" says the wise man...
"yep" I say, "can you turn the lights up a bit so I can see you?"
"afraid not" he says, "need to keep you from straining your eyes".

...so that's how you do it...I think to myself...
how stupid I've been...all I need to do to see better is to turn off the lights
and not wear my glasses.

Brilliant.

On with the exam.

I'm in the torture chair again, and the face-plate of the machine is smacked up against my face, my chin resting on something (can't see it)
and I'm now supposed to keep my eyes open
while the DOCTOR COLONEL snaps shut the little peep holes that I'm trying to look through...
All the while, I'm thinking something is going to come poking my eyes out, or cut off my eyelids.
(yep...waaaaay too many horror movies under my belt!!)

So on the wall in front of me appears a fuzzy, lighted block with what-are-supposed-to-be letters (or numbers? who knows?) that I'm supposed to identify.

"Can you tell me what you see?" he says to me.
"a wall" I say
"anything else" he says.
"um...If you stop clicking the machine and making me blink,
I might be able to fudge something"

He didn't like that & snapped into COLONEL mode.
"Sit up straight! Keep your eyes open! what do you see!" he snaps.
"The door" I say...to myself!!! LOL

OK...so I get serious...nothing is going to stab me in the eye, I have to do this test.
so I did.
and failed.

miserably.

I am 20/30 in my right eye, and 20/80 in my left. ugh. great.
need glasses? definately.
progressive bi-focals. how lovely.

So then he comes at me with the DROPS.

oh, I do NOT want them.
and now he's standing over me, with me turning my head from left to right,

like a child who is being force-fed creamed spinach....
except it was my eyes clenched shut, not my mouth.

"Mrs. Brechlin!" he yells.

"oh...sorry" I meakly say and force myself to keep still.

In go the dreaded drops...

Immediately, I feel a burning, but am quickly told that will go away in a minute or two,
and is completely normal...
("normal? dropping acid in my eyes is NORMAL? "
my warped horror-movie mind is shrieking inside my brain!!!)

ok. now everything has a purple aura and looks 'sparkly'.
"oh how pretty" I say aloud, thinking DR MADMAN had left the dark room...

"What do you see?" I hear from behind me..
startled, I reply, "oh...just ...um colors, and a little bit of haze"

"Good" he says, "now let's give those drops about 15 minutes to work
(WORK????) ...while you pick out your new frames"...

Um...

I can't see at this point.
seriously.

how am I supposed to see to pick out new frames?

so, of course I reach for my cheaters again...

"Nope" says Dr. Dread...

So I'm grasping at the multitude of glasses frames in front of me...

knocked two pair off the display, and finally found a pair...and put them on...
"Those are Men's glasses" the bastard says.
(so why put a blind woman in front of the Men's display?)
now I want to kick him.

Finally, I pick out a pair that I think looks good on me...if that is, in fact, me in the mirror.
what I see staring back at me is a cross between a rabid Raccoon
(no one told me not to wear mascara, thankyouverymuch.)

and a maniacal Owl wearing
dark (can't tell the actual color), plastic glasses.

"Who's that, Clark Kent?" i say, jokingly...
*crickets*
"Anyone there" I say again
*sounds of scuffling and muffled laughter*

I'm convinced that I have now been taped throughout my complete and embarrasing exam...from start to finish...for the shear amusement of Dr. Demento
and his Zombie, Coke-Glass Bottle wearing entourage.

"Oh they look fantastic" says the Blind Receptionist.
"great'...I mustered.

all set. all done. finished.

$337.50 later,
I now have to drive home...
wondering just what kind of glasses I will be picking up in a week's time,
trying to keep my car on the road,
and feeling like a vampire because of the sensitivity to light...

oh, I did get a free gift.

a spiffy pair of cellophane sunglasses that I was supposed to slip
between my cheater glasses and my eyes....
how attractive.
they didn't work for spit.

when I finally got back home, my daughter thought I was on some kind of drug,
and my husband was leading me around the house....
making sure I could navigate around the kitchen to make him supper.
what a saint he is.

by 9:00 pm, my eyes finally were back to normal.
I dropped into bed at 10:00,
and dreamed of horror films all night long....

p.s. the names above have been changed to protect
the high credentials of the medical proffession.

Blessed be, my friends
Lori